The two stars may be great pals in life, but there's little magic in their on-screen partnership.

It's so weirdly acted, shot, edited, directed, written and scored you can't believe it's happening -- though, on a gut level, it is enjoyable in the way that certain forms of masochism are enjoyable.

Madonna's charisma as a personality has never translated particularly well to the big screen.

A glossy, ham-fisted, non-romance.