Lots of things happen but nothing unfolds. It's like watching a feature-length trailer for a film that doesn't exist.

The mischievous glint in [Judi Dench]'s eyes is Artemis Fowl's only nod to irony and self-awareness.

A sense of indecision hangs over the whole exercise, starting with the screenplay, which has four names attached. Nobody seems to know how funny they're meant to be.

While Artemis Fowl, Jr. (Ferdia Shaw) does say those exact words—“I’m a criminal mastermind”—at the end of the film, there is nothing in the movie that explains why Artemis might think that or why the audience should believe him.