As lumbering as its title, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales will leave you running for the plank, or the exit.

Oh, if only dead men told no tales. Then we might have avoided this fifth Pirates of the Caribbean adventure, which fails to justify its own existence in any way whatsoever.

There are lame, crude jokes about bottoms and horologists. There is $230 million of CG effects that never look like anything more than pixels. And then there's Depp's panto drunkenness.

This is an unnecessary film that delivers exactly what the audience expects in the most uninteresting ways.